5 things I am learning through suffering

I have these times that are few and far between but they pop up every once in awhile, and I feel words start to ramble around in my head. They are pretty words with images and quotes and scripture and all kind of wise things that scream, "Write me down, hurry!"  When I sit down to write without the ramblings, it's hard to come up with words that give this blog space justice, so I'm okay with using this corner of the Internet as a means to get down those REALLY important thoughts and just live out the rest. If you are lucky enough to know me well, then you may just get a verbal blog post every day.

 This particular post is about suffering in regards to sickness and pain, which is something I have become familiar with, and in a very real way recently. The story is long, but a quick summary is that over the years I have encountered numerous health conditions and have received different diagnoses: Fibromyalgia, IBS, anxiety, depression, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, etc. I have tried many methods to reach healing and some have worked, many have not, and for the last several years I would say I that I have been managing any pain pretty well on my own without the help of medical intervention. I still suffered flare-ups due to Fibromyalgia and sometimes stomach troubles but these things had become a part of my life and I had learned to live with them, that is until I began suffering immensely a couple months ago. At this time, I began to have full body physical symptoms that were debilitating. The list of symptoms is probably a page long  but I knew my body was out of balance and it was throwing my mind out of balance as well. Finally I received I guess what you would call a revelation that my health conditions are due to a yeast overgrowth in my body, a particular fungus called candida and most likely I have had this overgrowth for many years, perhaps my whole life.  The culminating development began around Thanksgiving, as I loaded my body up with carbs and sugary desserts. Can you say stuffing and pie, anyone?!? I began to get terribly sick and it became hard to get out of bed. After eating, my stomach would begin to swell to the point that I looked very pregnant, bloated and the pain was unbearable. I was tired and more fatigued than I had ever been in my life, even during pregnancy. My mind was suffering, I felt anxious, fearful, irritable and had days of depression.

However, once I knew what was wrong with me, I started to feel a small sense of peace. It is relieving to finally have a game plan. So I started on a diet which cuts out every type of grain, sugar (even fruit), alcohol, caffeine, and dairy. These are foods that feed the yeast and keep them thriving in my body. I am left eating fresh produce that are low in carbs, lean meats, eggs and lots and lots of water. Sounds fun, right? The diet is strict, but over the years I have become familiar and have enjoyed trying new healthy foods so this has not been the hardest part for me. The hardest part has been the die-off effects of starving the yeast of it's nutrition. They release many (some say up to 79) different toxins and alcohol into your bloodstream and the liver works overtime to clear your body of all the nasty waste bi-products. These little yeast punks do not want to die without a fight.

  

Here I am today, it's been about a week of being on this strict diet and the first two to three weeks are the hardest. People feel much worse before they feel better, and I have felt the worst I have ever felt. Yet in all things there is opportunity for growth, peace, joy and knowledge. That is what I want to focus on: My experience with suffering and what I am learning.

1. Sickness makes me feel lonely and isolated and I sometimes equate this to actually being alone. During the day, when my children are at school and my husband is at work and I am here struggling to get out of bed, a feeling of loneliness comes over me. These feelings can quickly slide into thoughts such as, "I am alone. No one has reached out to me today and they must not care that I am here suffering." This is a lie and if I choose to believe it, then I become a prisoner to my suffering. People care and they also have lives to live. Loneliness does not equal being alone. To further expand on this great lesson, I am learning that being by myself, learning to feel worthy just the way I am without constant reassurance from others is contributing to my spiritual growth. To rest in the stillness, just my own soul and it's divine love  surrounding mein meditation  is a great gift that many of us do not yet unwrap and relish in.

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2. Many people do not understand what I am going through and that is okay. Some people really do understand and that is because they have walked a similar road before me. I have found quite a large support group online and that is helpful in overcoming that lonely feeling I described above. The closest people do not need to understand my physical pain and suffering, nor do I want them to because it is not something I would wish upon anyone. Just because they do not understand with certainty what I am experiencing does not mean they cannot love me, support me and help see me through this. We each have a journey and a path that is our own. We are here to support others and lift them up as they walk their own path of healing, but we do not always understand it or know what to do or say. Searching for grace is my motto and this is a great way to learn to give it to the ones we love.

3. Being a victim and being a spiritual victim are two different things. I do not choose to suffer physical afflictions but when I say it is not fair, I don't deserve this, or I feel owed something because of my suffering, then I am becoming a spiritual victim or adopting a victim mentality and am ultimately lying to myself. We ALL have things in our lives that we do not ask for and circumstances that change us fundamentally. Some are heart wrenching; sometimes we are victims of crime, abuse, grief, disease, heartbreak, bullying, etc. Those things happen to us and are out of our control, we cannot change them once they have been done to us. The choice I have now is whether I will let myself, mentally, become a victim. When I do this, I lock myself in suffering. When I think like a victim, I forget to see the blessings that I am given and instead see every negative occurrence as it relates to my difficult circumstance. The amazing part of being a human is how we are capable of rising up out of suffering.. We can make a choice about how we react to what life has given us and we can choose to be victorious and not victimized. It takes time, hard work and sometimes we only learn this because we trudge away each day in pain until we realize our minds, when renewed, are incredibly strong and we can decide to create a better story for ourselves, one filled with success and not failure. Also, this disease may be in me but it does not define me. The same way we can have cancer but we are not cancer. I say this about depression as well; we have depression but we are NOT depressed. This is a hard lesson for me to remember, but I am rising up to it.

4. It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to say I need prayers, support, someone to reach out to check in on me. It is okay to ask for it but if I expect it then I will be let down miserably. There are people that come into our lives ready and willing to uplift us, give us a shoulder to lean on, an ear to bend, etc. Those people are gifts. However, not everyone in our lives are capable of being that person. Sometimes I expect that the person who will reach out to me and be a companion in my suffering is someone whom I have helped in the past. I am learning that the people that needed my help may not have the ability to help me in return. The point of giving is not to receive, and yet if we live our lives believing that we must gain something for every good deed we performed, we make ourselves prisoners. The biggest lesson in relation to this point that I have been awakened to is that if I pray and ask for someone to be sent to me, I have to be willing to open my heart to see the help when it comes. Sometimes we can be so focused on our expectations of what that will look like that we miss what it was that came our way. A simple text from a friend can be enough to lift us up but not if we expect them to come with a basket of goodies.

5. Most important for me to remember each and every day: to suffer is to gain. Through my suffering, I have grown closer in the knowledge that my being here is no accident and each challenge is for a greater purpose. I am sheltered under great love that surrounds each of us. It is easy to take that forgranted when all is going well in my life, but when I am buried under the rubble, desperate for a way out, I cling to the hope that I believe in and find a shovel so I can dig my way out. In my experience, we are often not just lifted out of the shambles, although sometimes we can be but not often. Many times it's the act of digging, making our way through the debris, that ultimately shapes us, challenges us, grows us and teaches us. "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." -Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Friend, if you are buried in the rubble of your life right now, I am throwing you a shovel.

Food and the plague

Oh my gosh, y'all. You don't even know how sick we have been. Like I mean sick, sick. Sister says we caught the "bunga bunga". Viral Bronchitis, Costochondritis, Sinusitis, and other "itises". Lots of coughing fits, sticking our heads over bowls of steaming essential oil water, missed work, and lying around. Lots of lying around.

 

 

It's been all but miserable and a blessing at the same time. I had time to rest and time to reflect, time to read and grow spiritually. With suffering comes much opportunity for growth. I grew a lot.

Before the plague invaded our home (and, knock on wood, spared the two youngest members of the family) I spent several days making lists and doing research. More importantly I made lists involving food and did research on how to cook said food for the next several weeks. Then I cleaned out my fridge and pantry and took my typed and printed lists to Trader Joe's and went to work on Mission Pantry Restock. I spent a lot of money. I won't tell you how much, but it was a lot. I even gave myself a panic attack at check-out, but I was $2 under on the budget and we had been saving accordingly for this shopping trip. I brought home 17 full size paper bags of food and unloaded it, put it away and then stepped back and said wowza.

 

 

 

 

We were officially stocked and I was really excited about my healthy meal plan. But with a kitchen full of food, comes lots of time standing on your feet. I had a meal plan for lunches and dinners and I soon realized that a meal plan requires cooking. All the time. I kind of didn't think about how long it would take to slave away over some of these planned meals, even soups require chopping and layering flavors and baking bread and it takes awhile. But I did it, even when I could hardly stand because the cartilages around my lungs and ribs were screaming in pain. I made the meals and I felt proud of myself and happy that I was doing my family proud.

 

It's really important to me, maybe one of the most important things, to make sure that what we are putting in our bodies is healthy. I do a lot of research and I investigate the brands that I buy. Food is medicine, and we have to be careful, especially in our culture that values processed junk over healthy, unmodified food to make sure we are making wise choices. It is important for auto-immune disorders in our family and for food allergies and sensitivities. It is a blessing to spend my time preparing food that is well balanced and it's a blessing that I was able to fill up our kitchen with things that will feed our bodies and minds. I rested on gratitude each day of my sickness. Sometimes we are able to make choices that matter and that feels really good.

So without further ado, I bring you pictures of food. Uh, funny enough I was only inspired to snap pictures of food these last few weeks. See, I really do feel proud after preparing a meal, enough to warrant a photo.  Food > Pics of children = Apparently! Bon Appetit!

 

 

Chicken Noodle Soup with a dollop of sour cream

 

 

Grilled Chicken and Asparagus Pasta with lemon, butter and parm cheese

 

 



Potato Soup with Spinach and Turkey Bacon

 

 

Chicken and rice soup

 

Peeling potatoes but look I discovered a quick and easy disposal method for kitchen scraps. This summer we are going to start composting!

 

 

Ground turkey shepherd's pie. Yum!

 

Pork Sausage soup with red beans and kale.
 

 

Turkey bacon, fried egg, avocado and spinach sandwich on gluten free bun.

 

 

Hard boiling a dozen eggs for quick snacks and breakfasts.
 

 

 Gluten Free Blueberry power muffins with almond streusel.

 

 Okay I take that back. One pic of a kid.

 

Get in my belly!



And this last minute addition, a pic sent over to my phone from my husband who is at home with the kiddos while I work...

"KacyDillas" were a "Dinner Success"!!!!

There you have it friends. Have a fun-filled and food-filled week. xoxo

A case of the Mondays..no way!

 

Happy President's Day. Today we did not talk about or learn about presidents, unfortunately, but we did enjoy our day off with a Playdoh date at home. I'm just going to be honest with you; I don't really like Playdoh,  especially after the hubs and I spent a couple hours Sunday cleaning and organizing our main living area. When I think back on all the times I have brought the Playdoh out (I'm ashamed to admit I can count them on two hands), it is normally because I feel guilty for depriving my children of childhood memories that involve little bits of colorful clay, impossible not to mix in with other colors, pressed into the carpet under the kitchen table (hmm...side note...maybe I shouldn't have a rug under our kitchen table.) Anyway, today was one of those "I feel guilty for neglecting you to clean up and organize your toys yesterday so I am going to let you destroy my hard work by bringing out the messiest yet most coveted toy on the planet and this will prove my love for you." It was a success!

 

Coley decided to hang in his undies all day and this is a totally normal occurrence around here. He strips down into his knickers pretty much the minute he gets home from school and would rather live this way than be bothered with clothing, aside from a cape. He will rock the cape. And it always reminds me of this popular meme that I discovered on Facebook recently.    

 

Coley is just one awesome kid and I respect his style. It will be incredibly interesting to see how this specific character trait develops as he gets older!  

 

 

One could not commence Playdoh time without 3D glasses.

 

 

*****

We followed up our Playdoh party with a dance party. These boys really know how to break it down, no inhibitions!

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I was pretty proud of lunch and that my 4 year old ate everything on his plate. Recently he went through a "I will only eat mac 'n cheese for every meal or Cinnamon Toast Crunch and if you try and add anything healthy to it, I would rather not eat but cry that I am hungry for an hour" stage. He has been doing better and I think soup is the reason and he must be going through a growth spurt. This kid is opposed to healthy food unless you put it all in soup. Which I do, several times per week. So we ate leftover soup and gluten free bagels with cream cheese, garlic powder, fresh spinach leaves and shredded cheese on top. Broiled for five minutes, served with apple slices.

*****

 

A long time ago I bought the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman after several friends recommended it to me. It is written by a marriage counselor who took 12 years of notes on the differences couples faced and found there are five main areas, or "love languages" we each speak or understand and this is the way we are most comfortable expressing our love and having love expressed back to us. So I asked Justin if he would be interested in taking an online quiz to determine which "love language" he falls into. Not surprisingly, we each fell into the category we assumed we would before even taking the quiz. I am kind of ashamed of mine: Acts of Service. The description below says it all.

 

 

 

I was wondering why yesterday I felt so happy and loving towards my man.  He took it upon himself during chore time to organize and declutter a bunch of stuff in our family room and help get the house clean because he knows it helps me going into the week.  We are going to read the book to learn more about  how we can fill up each other's "love tanks." Ya, hubby had fun with that one.

 

And on that note, wishing you all a wonderful week! I'm going to report back about J. and I and how we are doing speaking each other's love languages :)

A day in the life, spiritual version.

Every day for me lately has been one that comes around full circle and ends up in the most comforting and safe place. Questions in the morning, wisdom by night. I don't think this has ever happened before. My days seem to go like this: I wake up with gratitude and then I lay out my questions and worries. And by laying them out, what I mean is that I seem to dwell on them for awhile and think about them, let them overwhelm me. I'm working on skipping this step! :) What follows is what I have come to know as "the daily learning process". Little by little I am reminded of the truths that are motivating me specifically. The first is that I need to trust that I am being held, that life is happening just as it should, and that nothing in life is happening by accident. Each day I am given sufficient challenges and equally as many choices to manifest loving kindness back to the world. I do this by living in the present moment which involves being really aware of my thoughts. It can be exhausting at first, to watch the patterns of your thinking especially when you tend to think negatively (me!).

I also make a choice to fill my brain with many beautiful words. Poetry about love, quotations, things that bring me inspiration, a good book, music of all kinds. It's amazing how those things come back to you. 



My workspace as of late. It's quiet and calm in the guest bedroom.

Inspirational words.

When I start to feel worried or anxious throughout the day, I find my centering ground and I meditate. I'm trying this daily, to not think so much about things but instead to just breathe it out of me, to give it away.



A good place to get away and pray.

I've realized the things I worry about are common human things. I worry about being a good mama and wife. I worry about my kids out there in that great big scary world. Love is so fragile. To love so strongly means you must trust that much more. That's A LOT of trust.

I worry about stupid things like my house being clean, but I think that's just something in me that's off. Happiness = cleanliness?? Still trying to figure that one out.

The boys workspace. I've seen a lot of inspiration happening now that their space is organized.

Yellow chandelier

Work in progress, just like life!

I feel constantly aware of how I am behaving and that either makes me feel really self conscious, like others are onto me or something, or it empowers me.

Sometimes I can see so clearly the choices in front of me, and I'll be darned if I don't feel like I am being wooed into letting love have the final answer. 

I wake up ready to learn how to meet each person and thing with love. It's a goal and challenge and I make so many mistakes but I learn.

So I think that these days, what has been going on in my world, are defining moments. It is reminiscent of those times in life which you look back on and you see clearly what was happening and why; and consequently how you grew and changed into a better person having gone through it. I am growing and evolving and I am learning to love.

 I feel grateful that I am alive.

"Dear Human:

You'’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you'’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling.

Demonstrated through the beauty of… messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need any other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as you. It’s enough. It’s plenty.”"

I am blessed by you, whoever is reading this, because you have intersected my path in some way and that is a sign of love.