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September 13, 2017

I am enough

I am human. I am enough.

Sometimes I get frustrated at the little voice inside my head every once in awhile that likes to tell me that I am lacking for something. That little voice is so annoying.

What's even more frustrating is that sometimes I believe it.
Why do those pesky feelings of lack creep in? Even when we have SO much abundance in our lives and could easily name 100 things we are grateful for, there are still those thoughts that say, "If only.."

You know those, right?

"If only I could lose the weight."
"If only I could be fit."
"If only I could have the job that pays me more money."
"If only I didn't have to commute so far to work every day."
"If only I could be a stay at home parent."
"If only I could have the nice house on the acreage with lots of sunshine AND woods, the chickens and the goats." (Or is that just me?)

I was just looking at that list above. I wrote it without thinking much about what I was writing and it made me realize something. I have lost the weight. I have had the job that paid more money. I had a 10 minute commute once upon a time. I stayed at home with my kids.

Looking back, it made no difference in my joy. What I mean is, if I didn't mindfully spend time feeling gratitude for where I was in my life back then, I still wanted more.

I remember feeling tense and anxious when there was traffic on my 10 minute commute and now I spend an hour in the car each morning and afternoon driving all over the city. If only...

I had a job that paid me substantially more money and I was stressed out all the time and I could never leave work at work. If only...

I was a stay at home parent for many years, and I would never want to go back and change that because I am really grateful for the time I spent with my sons. Truthfully though, I failed at times because I was tired, cranky, never felt like I had any time for myself and was always on call. Now I have friends at work, my own little space, responsibilities outside of my children and it feels good. I longed for that when I was in the thick of those dreary winter days at home with children and especially when I had postpartum depression for several months with newborns. If only...

I remember a nurse asking me my weight and height right before having surgery on my gallbladder. I had lost 15 pounds from being ill. When I told her, she said I was like a model and remarked if only she could be so tall and thin like me. I remember thinking the truth was that I felt foreign in my body. I didn't want to be small like a model, I wanted to feel stronger and bigger and yet I was so weak. If only...

Wherever I am right now is the best place to be. It's hard to feel that way sometimes but I hold this as my truth.

Lately when those feelings of "if only" creep in whether it's about myself or my circumstances, I mindfully tell myself that I am enough; that everything is as it should be. I remind myself to look at the love around me.

The home I have cultivated for my family over the years with still more vision to bring to life.

The memories that I hold dear in my heart. The friendships I have made at work. The amazing school I get to drive my child to every day and watch him thrive because of that long commute.

When I can feel the ache in my heart to own this piece of land, this homestead where my kids can run and climb trees, I sit on my deck and watch my children play with their best friends right outside our back door and dig my hands into the abundant soil in my garden beds that have provided so much for my family and given me the opportunity to share with neighbors and friends.

This life, it is constantly changing. I will always hold my dreams and desires for the future close to my heart, but learning to find joy in the present, to find gratitude right now: it's what makes being human so worthwhile.

We are enough.

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