The journey to the inside and thoughts about chocolate.

So much of life is just trying to maneuver your way through these interesting situations. Meeting new faces/ interacting with faces whose outlines you could trace in your mind. Showing up at the same location every day/ stumbling into unchartered territory. I find myself, like many people, comfortable in the places I inhabit the most with the people I see every day and apprehensive when that changes. However it's in the moments when I leave my safety zone that I see the true capacity of all that lives inside of me.

 

Confidence. Capability. Personal truth.

 

I wonder sometimes if life just takes you on this existential journey right back to your heart and mind. What if we searched and searched our whole lives for some great answer and it lived within the entire time. I dunno, life is pretty ironic and simple like that. It's possible.

 

Like what if when life gets really tough and you are stressed out and you tell yourself you just need some chocolate but really you don't *believe* chocolate is going to solve the dilemma and yet you take the chocolate and you say to the chocolate, "thank you for helping me through this little bump in my journey. I am going to eat you now and believe you are my ally. I am going to love every single delicious magnesium, antioxidant-filled  bite of you." What if you did all that and it worked? You let yourself be transformed by the happy simplicity of eating a bite of chocolate. And when the next situation arose and your mind said "I'm not brave enough to handle this today" but your heart said, "it's tea time", or "it's time to walk in the woods", or "it's time to exercise", or "it's time to read that book you've had sitting on your night stand"...you listened and you let those moments be enough, too.

 

What if for every fear that popped in our minds and told us we could never do it, we believed we had the equal potentiality to do it but admitted we were just scared? What if we walked right into the thick of it with our hearts pounding and imperfectly found our way through it? 

 

Courage = Wisdom. 

 

By the same token, it's okay to be scared and it's okay to not raise our bullhorns every day shouting at the world to listen. There are plenty of people who will keep shouting for you and plenty of people that will be ready to listen. We can spend some time gearing up for the battles by living in the quiet moments, getting to know who we are and how we will effectively walk this earth in a way that feels good and true to ourselves and brings us joy.

 

Comfort = Wisdom.

 

I like duality. I find it really intriguing how so many differing things can be happening and it can all be okay if you are open enough to find the okayness.

 

I always seem to find the okayness of life after a few deep breaths somewhere amid the trees.

 

 

Maybe tomorrow I will pick up the bullhorn. Or maybe I will drink some tea and read a book. Or maybe I will do both.

 

We shall call this life...unpredictable.

 

 

Paths

 

"Two roads diverged in a wood and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." - Robert Frost

 

 

I have been thinking so much lately about the symbolism of walking down a path, how we end up there and how it relates to life. Life is filled with so much symbolism and that is why I love photography and writing; you can turn the imagery contained in the mind into art.

 

My meditation on paths comes back to a feeling I have that we all end up where we are because we choose, consciously or unconsciously, to walk down a certain one and that leads us into the present moment. During the journey we encounter obstacles and circumstances that we did not plan or foresee and they challenge us and thereby humble us. These situations accompany us sometimes as a trusted friend or unwelcome foe and many times they define us. 

 

I think I am at a place in my life where I can pause and reflect on the paths that I feel I was called to by a voice greater than my own.

 

 

These pathways are still filled with road blocks and detours, choices, lessons and a lot of hard walking all the same, but there is something different about them.

 

 

 

They are filled with harmony, balance, connection and most importantly, they are filled with hope and joy. Wandering along I find myself pausing often, taking in all the little details that are important. I am a backpacker hiking a trail and I collect everything I need and I carry it with me.

I am not alone because I have the guidance I need inside of me. I have the wisdom I have gained through all this walking to consult with. I have fellow hikers, life wayfarers, to come and walk awhile with me. I have the songbirds singing melodies, the wind whispering secrets, the trees sheltering me when it's time to rest and dream a little. I have the Spirit leading me.  I have my breath to connect with, legs to move me, a passion for change directing me to travel deep into the broken places.  Most importantly I have LOVE and that can never fail me.

 

 

I feel grateful and alive. I haven't always felt this way, back when I walked some roads that tripped me up, but I walked them anyway and I can't go back. I move forward with thankfulness for every place I have passed knowing they made me who I am today.

 

 

 

 

This is it for me, walking these paths. This is all I have. I don't know what tomorrow holds. Life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. I know I have answered a call to do what I can to help this world heal while I am still here in the world healing. I am the hands and feet of a great movement of love and I do not take this responsibility lightly.  For the good works that come from my heart, the credit does not belong to me. It belongs to the voice that called me here and asked me to keep walking, keep noticing, keep showing up to love and help using the gifts I've been given.

 

Much love from a fellow sojourner.

 

xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

The beauty of brokenness

 

 

 

 

What do you see when you look at this barn?

 

Worn, toppling over, hazardous, useless; perhaps just a collapsing barn like my kids pointed out? 

 

Maybe you see a perfectly broken object that tells a story.

 

Do you see art?

 

I would love to have seen this barn in its glory days, standing tall and strong, a sturdy shelter for animals or hard working machinery. I wonder if this barn would go unnoticed if each piece of wood was solidly in place as before? Would people see all the potential?

 

I can imagine all of the reclaimed furniture that could be created with this weathered wood: farm tables where family could gather over home cooked meals; mantles that lovingly hold pictures of toothless kids and grandparents who left a legacy of love. I can envision long beams placed high into the ceilings of houses, stabilizing the very foundations we build inside the places we inhabit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I see objects like this barn, it reminds me that life is all about perspective and our histories often shape the way we look at things. It also points out that it's never too late to take a step closer to the brokenness and find the beauty residing there no matter how hard it is to get close.

 

Stepping near, into the shadow of this barn and all that it has become as a result of the physical storms of life, I can see where life springs forth from the fragmented, damaged spaces and it is so very beautiful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today this barn had a story to tell me about my own humanity.  

 

"Come closer to me. Don't just see me as broken down and weary from the downpours and the windstorms that have left me withered. Don't be scared of the façade of my defectiveness because I can no longer meet the expectations you have always placed upon me.  I am not useless and I am not done. Step closer and notice the way the flowers cling to the framework of my being, how the sunshine streams in and washes the rust, the chipping paint, the shattered stone in radiant light. I may be insignificant by the world's standards but I am filled with  infinite potentiality.  When you are able to see the value in me, then so you will see it in yourself."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Paybacks"

I have discovered something in my almost nine years of parenting that is quite an unexpected thing: I am most often learning the same lesson my kids are learning at the exact same time. Solidarity with my kids makes swallowing these cautionary tales easier because I can say "I have been there, in fact, I am there."  This time it's about how to be the bigger person when faced with people that hurt us. There are many reasons why people choose to inflict pain on others. Maybe they have impulse control issues and say or do the first thing that comes to mind. Many adults never outgrow this. Perhaps they harbor resentments toward us that they are unable to verbalize and it later comes out in a hostile way.  Sometimes people are just insecure and act in a way that brings them power over you and ultimately makes themselves feel better. Often it comes down to a boundaries issue. I am sure there are many scenarios in between but I have decided not to spend time worrying about why people act the way they do because many times they themselves don't even have that insight into their own behavior.

I feel part of my calling as a human being is to be awakened to my feelings and behaviors and teach my children to do the same. Spending time in the "being" part of my nature manifests itself by observing why I do the things I do and how I feel about what I feel. I can carry my truths and I can work to actively change to become a kinder, more functional member of society. How can we act out of kindness if we walk around unaware of why we do the things we do? It's a difficult journey to wake up and witness our actions and how they play out in our every day lives. Sometimes I notice myself becoming short with my kids when inwardly I feel anxious or stressed out about a scenario that does not relate to them.  This is so common in all of us and yet we can choose to live in a way that honors our true selves and our callings if we make a choice to do so.

So what happens when someone close to you makes a hurtful comment about your appearance that seems so harsh and unnecessary at that time? What if it comes completely out of the blue by someone you care about that it's such a shock and so upsetting that you are stunned into silence?

What if as a child an older, much bigger kid uses force to get his way and ultimately hurts you physically? Perhaps it's on your own space and you cannot fathom how, while you see yourself  being kind and sharing your property, someone could be so hurtful to you out of the blue?

These are the situations my 6 year-old and I encountered recently and although at first it was upsetting in a very real way involving some tears and ultimately some anger at being treated so badly, it opened the door to some deep and meaningful discussion and solutions that neither of us will soon forget.

My 6 year-old chewed a little bit on the idea of giving this bigger boy a "payback" because he has seen other kids do that. He wondered what it would be like if he hit him back or blocked him with a board or tripped him. As parents who never condone violence unless needed for self defense, we sympathized and directed his feelings to brainstorming some healthy scenarios that would not escalate the situation more. His instinct to get an adult and make it known that he was hurt was ultimately what we agreed was the safest and wisest scenario and we praised him for being brave enough to seek help. However, a simple question remained in my son's head and a day later he questioned why that boy did not get any consequences for his behavior? Why was he still aloud to play? Not being disciplined for such disruptive and mean behavior was unconscionable to a child who understands that using physical harm in our house holds serious repercussions. Everyone parents differently is what we told him and all that matters now is how we respond to that behavior.

So why do adults behave the same way? Why do some people find it acceptable to criticize the flaws of others or inflict harm? How are we to respond to that? Sometimes just using silence can be beneficial and sometimes we need to communicate how we feel to make it known it's not okay. I thought of what I could say to pay this person back just like my 6 year-old verbalized to us and it feels good to imagine having the power back that they stole from us in that moment. Ultimately, this isn't a response that sits well with me and I hope will not sit well with my kiddos. It's okay to stand up for ourselves and say "Enough!"  It's not okay to pay back in the same way, throwing harsh, overly critical and hurtful comments or kicks in the shins in retaliation. Believe me, I've done it and have to bite my tongue, take a deep breath, walk away, seek help in order to stay in control over my emotions. The important part of this lesson is learning what boundaries need to be established in relation to those people and what that will look like in the future. You can say, "it's inappropriate for you to weigh in about my appearance and if you bring it up again, the conversation is over." And if someone becomes physical with you and you feel unsafe around them, it's absolutely okay to stay far away from them and seek help immediately!!

 So often in our society setting boundaries equates to lack of graciousness. Coming from a codependent child of alcoholics, setting boundaries is not only pertinent and necessary for our own well-being, it is showing ourselves the ultimate form of compassion.

It's not easy to be a "turn-the-other-cheek" person in a society that lives by an "eye-for-an-eye" mentality and yet it is worth the pursuit.  One of my favorite quotes by Mark Nepo says, “In a world that lives like a fist, mercy is not more than waking with your hands open.” My other favorite: "Do no harm, but take no shit."

May kindness be on your side today.

"Love"

We are here to love. That's all I know. Everything else gets so loud and murky sometimes. I find myself getting caught up in all the opinions for a little while, trying to do the thing that I do, make sense of it, see the human behind the words however harsh they may be, try to understand, try to relate, try to care and see that in the differences maybe there is a similarity. I do that for awhile until most of the time I get chewed up and spit out and land back on my butt even more confused than I was before I logged on and started reading anyway. All I know is that my heart hurts for everyone that is hurting right now and my heart rejoices for those that see the beauty in life and who gain freedom and equality. Shouldn't we all wake up feeling free?  I feel all of those things. Many people are hurt in the world and want love. I want love, I hurt sometimes. I am human. Maybe you are, too? Maybe you are gay or a Christian or you are black or white or Latino or have been abused by another human or maybe you are many of those things that really don't even define you. Maybe you are scared of putting yourself out there and fumble around like me.

You know what though? We are all pretty brave.

And we aren't very different from each other. Republican and Democrat, we are all pretty similar. We want protection for our families, we want to be treated fairly. We want to be cared about and care about others. We want others to understand us. To see us.

We want to be loved. In my mind this is what defines me: the way we are so very human yet with a great capacity to love, nurture, care and accept love into our hearts and let it transform us if we choose to. I don't know about you, but I have been so very lucky to have some hard love in my life. I say it's hard because love is a verb and it's an action. It feels like a tough weight to lift sometimes, to let love in enough to break that hard spot in our hearts that wants to be right. To put others before ourselves in a way that feels like it's the right thing to do, albeit not always the easiest. Love looks a lot like kindness, like compassion, like a question instead of a statement.

Learning to love as a human also looks a little like a debate sometimes and maybe even a little like a wrestling match. It's okay. I think love is worth wrestling with and love is worth learning about.

 

When I look at rainbows, I see love.

 

When I look at church steeples, I see love.

When I look at sunsets I see love.

When I see black and white and brown skin, when I hear different languages, when I allow myself to really see the differences and how they make us beautiful and unique, I see love. When I see children I see love and redemption. A symbol of a chance to get it right.

 

I don't always know the answers and often appear idealistic and juvenile but truly, in my mind, it's pretty simple. It's just the journey to get there that challenges us, scares us, tests us.

These lyrics by The Avett Brothers keep running through my mind.  I have read so many words and heard so many statements, I have locked myself in my mind and let it all swirl around in there and it channeled itself back out with the simplicity of this:

Temporary is my time
Ain't nothin' on this world that's mine
Except the will I found to carry on.

Free is not your right to choose
It's answering what's asked of you
To give the love you find until it's gone.

Love. Amen.

New eyes to see

"Please help me have new eyes to see." "Please help me see life in a different way." "Let me see the beauty in the chaos, the miracles deep within the brokenness, the love and light in the darkness."
 

These are the prayers I have been saying for a long time now. Probably since I started to learn for myself what prayer meant some time when my oldest son was 2. Prayer is a lot of times reminding myself what I already have learned a long the way but have temporarily forgotten. Mostly prayer is tuning my thinking to the "hope station" which plays some really good, uplifting jams.

 

 

I used to have so much mom guilt. I would read those articles about the different things us moms needed to realize and quick! because our kids were growing up and if we didn't act now, it would be too late. Put your phone down, stop yelling, don't worry if your house is a mess, make sure you capture all the happy memories on film or your blog and don't you dare throw away the precious preschool art work or the teeth they lose. It's like sometimes we are force fed this notion that being who we are right now is not good enough, that our fumbling's are royally screwing our kids up to no return and that we should be striving for a better picture of motherhood, one where the fighting kids are precious memories that we will someday miss. And I get it!  Conviction about our shortcomings can help motivate us to love our kids harder. But right around the time that I found myself sobbing on the bathroom floor after watching a lady whose kids went off to college talk about all of these sad things, all these regrets, and then I was apologizing to the universe for not being a good enough mother, I told myself that enough was enough. I stopped reading most of those articles and just vowed to figure it out as I go along with love and a big dose of grace.
 

Yelling isn't always effective but sometimes it absolutely is. I am a damn good apologizer when I make mistakes, and you know what? My kids are so good at learning to say sorry. Humbling myself and messing up is teaching my kids how to gracefully mess up as well. I am sure someday my kids will have some issues with how I parented them, and that is okay, because we are all just figuring out this life thing together while making mistakes and therefore making it right.

 

 

So, I pray not that I could miraculously make myself a better person or more patient mother, but that I would be given new eyes to see the special things in the mundane. When I ask for that, it's amazing how quickly my perspective changes. Try it sometime.
 

It is winter break and my husband and I have been juggling our work schedules with the boys being home from school. We have been taking them into work with us because thank Goddess we have such awesome and understanding jobs and colleagues. This morning I admit that I wasn't happy that I had to bring them because it adds another level of stress to be in mom mode and work mode all at the same time. However, it all worked out because I spent the first part of the morning preparing for our holiday staff gathering, decorating with my coworker and preparing all the food. I have a hard time delegating and the boys desperately wanted to help and I was worried about getting it all right. My friend wasn't worried about getting it all right and so she gave the boys tasks to keep them busy. Like big things such as using the can opener to open cans. My first thought was "Eek, they have never done that and it can be dangerous and they don't know how to open cans." They learned. They kept busy setting the table, going upstairs for more Poinsettias to decorate with, putting food on the tables, getting the water bottles from the other room, and while there was some bickering, they mostly worked together as a team. Soon I was jumping in with more work for them and they completed the tasks with such efficiency that I knew I had received an answer to the prayer, "Let me see my boys in a different way." People came up to me over and over telling me that my boys are such awesome helpers, so mature, such great kids, so well behaved, so kind, so sweet."

 

 

"You're right. I know it and have eyes to see it now." The "burden" of bringing the boys to work was a wonderful blessing.
 

Caden lost his tooth while we were sitting down for the staff lunch. It had been bothering him for two days and he excused himself, ran off to the bathroom and came back with tooth in hand. He was so proud that he had taken care of business so he could eat his crunchy taco. My heart swelled as I witnessed my boy man through "proud mama eyes", not "agitated and stressed out over stupid drama eyes." He showed his tooth off to my whole work family and they cheered and clapped and he beamed so big. Thank you for that answered prayer.

 

 

As I was clearing our plates, I lost track of his tooth. We scavenged the floor and trash and it was no where to be found. I felt like I had ruined his special moment but holding my breath I apologized to Caden and told him I knew how happy he was to lose his tooth and I promised that if he wrote a letter to the tooth fairy that she would still give him the money. His response, "Ya for sure, it happens all the time. Now I can really say I LOST my tooth." And he smiled and hugged me. Seriously? What a guy. I wish the tooth fairy could give him hundreds of dollars for his soul, for the way he loves and for this giant blessing he is to teach me that having new eyes to see is as simple as leading with your heart.

 

 

After work my boss friend said that my boys were amazing kids. I joked that I must be doing something right and she said "You are DEFINITELY doing many things right!"

So here's to looking closely at the blessings right in front of me. And also, here's to not seeing them all the time either. When I can't see then I can say the prayer and ask for help with my vision and witness the shift. And so it goes. I will continue to do it over and over because I want to learn and grow and evolve in my humanity and let my heart expand with as much love as it can possibly hold. I want to be a better mother but the only way I know how to do that is to learn. And probably my kids will always be my greatest teachers.

For all the mamas...

For the mom who holds down the fort at home while your spouse is away, this one's for you. We see you wiping noses, coordinating meals, packing lunches, organizing mail, scheduling doctor visits, cleaning up the millionth spill, the Playdoh and the dog food that your toddler insists is a good snack. We see the way you stop what you are doing to rock crying babes, take them to the potty, throw another load of laundry in the dryer again, run to the store all covered in snot and spit-up, field phone calls, and smile when your hubby calls after his nice lunch out with work friends while you pick up Cheerios off the floor by hand because digging out the vacuum seems like too much work. We see that you haven't showered today and we don't judge you. We understand when running out of coffee is equal to running out of life support. We know how it feels lonely sometimes even though the four-year old won't stop chatting to you about Pokemon and Skylanders. We see you stay-at-home mama and how you traded your career, your education, your hopes and dreams for board books, Sesame street and ABC's 10 times a day.  We see the love in your eyes when you look at your child and know it's all worth it, all the exhaustion, demands and giving of yourself as you use this short amount of time to shepherd and teach your little ones, to stay home and hold their hands for a little while.

For the mom who holds down the fort at her desk at work, this one is for you. We see you coordinating your schedule around pumping in the restroom, fielding demanding bosses, clients and patients, running on coffee and fumes after a late evening meeting, a teething child and no sleep. We see the way you wake up every morning and get the little ones breakfast, pack their lunches, get them and yourself ready for school and manage to look not only presentable but damn good. We see how you eat lunch at your desk, a peanut butter sandwich and stare at the pictures of your kids. We know how much you say sorry because you were late, missed the conference call because the babysitter called or had to be out of work yet again because you had to pick up the one with pink eye from school and pray that the others won't catch it because tomorrow is the big meeting. We know the guilt you feel because you feel relieved when it's time to head into the office and the 30 minute car ride gives you a break from a crying baby. We see you working mama, juggling all the balls, and hoping one doesn't drop, jetting from the office to the baseball games and wishing you could be there every time they cry. We see how little time you have for yourself because after work it's all kids, all family, all the time. We see that you traded in napping with your little ones for managing an office, going out into the world everyday so you can better your financial situation for your children, to teach them how to get up and keep going even when life tries to knock you down.

For all mamas everywhere, for each unique situation, may you feel seen and heard. May you escape the judgment of "should-haves" and "would-haves" and rest easy in the love you carry for your children, no matter what path you have chosen. May we all unite in the great responsibilities we have as mothers to teach compassion, love and understanding with non-judging hearts. You are doing a great job, the BEST job, and your children need YOU right where you are.

Blessings and love.

The top 10 lessons I am learning right now (and pretty much always)

Starting with age-old clichés, let's make this post all about life, and go!

 

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. Forrest sure carried that lesson with him!

 

Life is about the journey and not the destination. Sometimes the destination is nice though, too, am I right?!

 

Life is what you make of it. No denying that one, eh?

 

Life is short so live it! or life is short, here today and gone tomorrow. I can rally around the sentiments of the first one. Life is meant to be lived, but that sure looks different for everyone, and the second one? I personally try not to get too stuck on the thought that today could be my last day on earth, otherwise one could drive themselves crazy with the what-ifs.  However, in the back of my mind is a simple thought that each day is a blessing and I have the great opportunity to make the most of it.

 

Carpe diem, seize the day. Any command in Latin should be taken seriously. So do it!

 

Life is a crapshoot. I am curious how many gamblers use this cliché?

 

Life goes on. That should always be followed up with Ob-la-di, ob-la-da!! if you really want to emphasize that one.

Life is a b*@#% and then you die. Well, that is one way of looking at it.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, or it's whiny brother, life is like a bowl of cherries and this is the pits. I think we should always compare life to fruit. It is just so similar.

Just Do It. I tell myself this every time I lace up my Nike running shoes. Just kidding I don't.

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Be really tough to get ahead in life, kids.

Love many, trust few, but always paddle your own canoe. Unless, of course, you're up a creek without a paddle.

Moving on to the top 10 lessons I have been learning (sometimes reluctantly) in my own life. Nothing new here folks, just rehashing many of the things we all learn at one time or another.

1. Don't take life so seriously. Don't take yourself so seriously or your spouse or your children. We are all imperfect creatures living in an imperfect world. Laugh at yourself once and awhile. Do it. Laugh when someone says you have a boogie in your nose. It's endearing. Be thankful they told you.

2. Stop being a perfectionist. Perfection is a made-up word, a treacherous journey to la-la land and eventually crazy town. Who cares if your house isn't always clean, your kids aren't always well behaved, your clothes aren't always ironed, you miss a deadline once and awhile, and your marriage doesn't always look like a fairytale book. None of it is supposed to because, wait for it, life is messy.

3. Don't wait around for others to be kind to you. Be kind first. Joe over there who didn't bother to say hi to you isn't feeling so hot today. Smile at him and give him some love. The man who looks like he is about to cut you off and pass you on the highway is trying to get to a very important interview. Let him over, don't be so rude. Just be kind first and watch what happens in your life. You will attract more kindness everywhere you go when charity of heart begins with you.

4. Every child needs to grow up, eventually. Ever hear of the term, adult wounded child? That's a psychological term that means you struggle with responsibility and adulthood because of a bunch of psychological things that happened in your past. I am one of those. It takes more effort to have resilience when you never quite learned how to face your struggles and overcome them, but the payoff is worth it. Growing up is hard to do.

 

5. When you grow up, make sure never to lose the childlike wonder completely. You'll be left with a cynical viewpoint about life. It's hard when you are an adult and experience great personal pain, see hurting people all around, and watch many people seemingly have no trouble stepping on others in the pursuit of money and power. The solution is not to say that life is therefore pointless or filled with pain. Deep inside each of us is a space filled with love that springs forth creativity. Something new is made out of brokenness every day, and we can all be redeemed. Find joy in the simple things in life.

 

6. Approval is not out there. A long time ago I used to listen to Howard Stern. He had a segment where he had women come on the show and he would determine (along with other radio hosts) whether that woman was beautiful or not. Seriously? I used to wonder if they would think I was pretty enough. I can't believe I ever wondered that. It doesn't matter who finds you beautiful or worthwhile. You are beautiful and worthwhile so believe it about yourself. Speak it over yourself every single day. Stop looking to others to approve of you.

 

7. The truth will set you free. Be honest. There is no need to lie in order save face, to make someone feel better or convince someone else of what you already know inside is a lie. As Dr. Seuss said, be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and  those who matter don't mind.

 

8. It is better to give than to receive. Just try it. Give without expectations. Be a friend to all. Find happiness in your own heart and let it spill over towards others who are having a hard time finding happiness on their own.

 

9. Just keep swimming. (Finding Nemo is my favorite Disney movie; Dory got it right with that one!) Get up every morning and know that today is a new day. There are new mercies every morning. Let the challenges of yesterday fall away and raise up to the challenges of today. Find strength where strength is found. There is a life force, a source of strength much greater than our own and it is available at all times. Renew yourself with it and hang on until the storm passes.

 

10. When all else fails, find some great Facebook quotes or clichés and get happy! ;)

 

 

Music in the rain

An essay I wrote on November 30, 2011. The message seems fitting now.

There used to be a time in my life when my outlook, my mood, my thoughts, my happiness centered around the weather, circumstances, finances, relationships and good health among others. These are things that are always changing, shifting. And just like the rise and fall of the ocean waves, so went my mood, up and down every day. I had hopes of waking up and looking on the bright side of things, but inevitably something would happen, as life does, to bring me down. It was a terrible way to live, running and hiding when things went wrong, nothing ever going the way I wanted them to for long. I shudder when I think about the countless hours that I laid in bed with the covers over my head, willing my problems away, angry and living in fear that nothing would ever be how I wanted it to be. I tried to turn to medication in order to alleviate the pain of the emotional roller coaster I was on: anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-pain meds. I blamed my pain on hormones, on everybody else, on the heavy workload, on the seasons, on my ill health. I thought if I just had more money, better health, more sunshine, more time to myself, more whatever, then I would be okay. That life would be okay.
 

As much as I disliked that time in my life and even the person I was back then, the true me, my awakened soul, knows that I must be gentle to her and love that broken girl who was struggling to find her path to joy. Grace allows me to see the truth about that chapter in my journey: how necessary it was to go through in order to fall forward to where I am now.

It rained quite a lot over the last week; quite a few dreary days that make you want to stay in bed. I am also sick with a sinus infection and have been sick off and on for the last month. In spite of that, I was keenly aware of a shift in my perspective about those realities. For one, I noticed myself staring out the window a lot, focused on the rain and the way it slid over the glass, large raindrops and small ones, beating gently in a rhythmic and soothing way. I focused on my breathing when things became overwhelming or when I felt myself slip into a fearful place. And when I couldn't even breath because my sinuses were so clogged, I sat over a steaming bowl of water and inhaled the fragrant sent of tea tree oil, staring at my eyes in the reflection of the water and seeing myself in a whole new way. My eyes didn't look tired even though my body felt that way. They appeared alive, shimmering and dancing to the music inside my heart.

Each day I make an effort to find the things I am thankful for, and to ask the Universe to reveal the lesson I was meant to learn that day. What did each situation, conversation, moment come to reveal to me? What beautiful imprint of life can be permanently etched in my mind like a painting? This week it was about the rain and music. I felt in my soul the realization that there is music in music and there is music in the rain. There is music in the creaking of the stairs and in the dishwasher running. There is music in the way the coins, which slipped out of the pants pockets in the dryer, beat against the sides as it turns and turns. There is music in the laughter of my children. There is music in the wind. There is music in breath. And there is eternal music, the kind that will live on after death and through all of life's rising and falling waves, in that which we call love.

This too shall pass and a gratitude update

The earth's seasons are ever changing, the same way they do in our own lives. Spring is now here and after two glorious days of almost 70 degree weather, I *almost* forget what all those frigid winter days felt like, cold wind blowing on our faces as we quickly got out of cars into houses and into houses from cars. So thankful for warmth and heat when so many go without it. I will someday forget the intense pain that the end of the winter season brought into my life as well.

 

Two weeks ago I had my gallbladder removed. Random, right, since I haven't written in a couple months? After I switched to a low carb. and high fat/Paleo type diet, I started having some major digestive issues and pain greater than I have ever experienced in my 32 years on earth. At first things were going very well, I had a great amount of energy and felt really healthy, but after what I thought was a night of a stomach bug, everything I ate except very high carb. foods like toast and applesauce caused severe attacks where I would throw up, sweat, shake and feel as if I would pass out from the pain. The second time I experienced an attack like this, I had my husband drive me to the ER. They did a stomach x-ray and determined I had no major blockages so the doctor in the ER asked me to follow up with a surgeon to get my gallbladder checked out because the pain was in that general area. He wasn't sure if it was a stomach virus or an organ on the fritz. I followed up with the surgeon and had two tests done on my gallbladder. The first ultrasound did not reveal any stones so they ordered a HIDA scan which helps detect how well the gallbladder is emptying. The results of that test made it clear that my gallbladder was on a downward spiral and there would be no diet or medicine that could keep it from getting worse than it already was. The doctor gave me the option to wait it out but knowing the pain I was in and how completely non-functional I was becoming as a mama to my boys and around my house, I quickly opted to get the defective part removed ASAP.

 

During the three week wait from the beginning of my gallbladder attacks and the subsequent surgery, I prayed A LOT for healing and relief. The things I was putting my hope in were not working and I felt a loss of control which brought me time and time again to a quiet place. I find that I have the most time to sit in silence and allow space for meditation and prayer in the bath and I soon realized that the warmth of the water not only took some of the great pain away, it provided a peaceful place to help me sort out all of the strong emotions I was feeling in my vulnerable state. One day after a severe attack, I made my way to the bath and while I prayed, my husband began to do research on his phone as he sat next to me. He spent so many hours sitting next to me on the ground next to our bathtub and was a constant source of calm and peace to my heart. He discovered that apple cider vinegar sometimes helps in gallbladder attacks and quickly went to go get some. (Again, grateful that we keep these type of remedies on hand!) I drank it up, in spite of how bitter and strong it was, but I had faith that it would work and it did!! I also felt a strong feeling that the bath would continue to work time and time again and when I came out of the tub I could use a heating pad and some essential oils on my stomach to help calm the attack.

 

 

I am very grateful that after a week of intense pain and having to use narcotic drugs which did not help as much as one would expect, I had found a simple solution that was straight from the earth!

 

So surgery day came and I was prepared for a quick recovery like many said they experienced. I guess I wasn't quite prepared for how much pain I would be in after my surgery, but I rested and walked, ate healthy, low fat foods and after about five days I felt mostly recovered and well on my way to health and wellness once again. Since that time, I have been feeling great. My body is adjusting to life without the g.b. but I feel better than I have in years and I really believe this was an answer to a prayer I have had for the longest time for an answer to be revealed about what has been plaguing me and my stomach for almost seven years. Now spring is here and it truly brings renewal in so many ways and a continued attitude of thankfulness as I keep searching for the things I am grateful for each day of 2014.
 

Here are a few of those moments I am grateful for since my last update. I only take these photos with my phone, trying to use it in a positive way instead of letting it consume me with social media and other things that I don't always feel are the best uses of my time. ;-)

 

 Books for rest and recovery and a beautiful library and quiet time to enjoy them

 

 Making homemade almond bread for dear friends

 

 Valentine's day gifts and a heart shaped breakfast!

 

 

 Lunch on the deck with my little buddy

 Time spent with these handsome fellas

 A couch nap instead of laundry

 

My sweet boys with haircuts. I just love them so much! 

 

 Pretty table offerings

 

 Smoothies! Yum!

 

 Sunshine streaming in to greet us and give us kisses.
 

Finally we made it to April. So grateful for that. This is a picture of my little handsome guys standing in front of the castle where their daddy and I got married. It's so sweet to think this is where our family's story began <3

 

 

Celebrating spring, renewal and the many things we have to be grateful for, knowing that each season shall pass by so quickly and I don't want to miss a thing!