Bucket List

I am trying something new today and I am looking forward to seeing how this helps my emotional state. Since I have been feeling so down lately, letting my emotions get the best of me, and because I refuse to sit around wallowing in self pity, I have decided that starting today and every day for the rest of the summer, I am determined to check one thing off of our summer bucket list and document along side my gratitude journal which I have neglected for too long. I hope this will help bring me back to the clarity I seem to have lost about my purpose, not only as a mother but as a human being.

 

Feeling alone, sad and down right moody is not a fun place to be in during the summer. There are only so many days of sunshine and warm weather, and I have an imagination full of ideas that have been floating restlessly around in my head, weighed down by a body that just couldn't get motivated to get out and make the fun happen. Fun is something you create; it's an attitude aimed at success and not at failure. I know inside I have the ability to find joy in whatever situation I am in, regardless of circumstances. I am strong and capable and have succeeded many times in overcoming this uphill battle. I am tired of believing that I cannot do it again. So I will succeed, I just need to admit that I need help in doing it. The important lesson I am learning in all of this is  that I need to be willing to accept the help in whatever form it comes to me and not have expectations on what it should look like. Friendship, opportunity and happiness come in so many different disguises. If I can open my heart wider than I normally do, then I will be pulled out of my glass house and into the village of houses filled with love. I can't wait to discover these love houses. :)

 

So without further ado, our summer bucket list:

 

Make fried chicken and lemonade and pack it up for a picnic.  

 

 Take the boys to a movie and let them have popcorn AND candy. 

 

Spend an evening watching planes take off at the airport.

 

Treasure hunt hike at a local metro park.  

 

 Meet daddy for lunch and eat at a local food truck.

A visit to the state fair! 

 

Make at least one new friend. Schedule a play date.

 

Spend time with old friends that I haven't seen in awhile. **Today I was able to have a lunch date with one of my best friends from college. She and her beautiful daughter came over and the boys loved spending time with such a sweet little 6-month old!



 

Catch fireflies with the boys.

 

More bowling.

 

Take the boys to play mini golf and to the batting cages.

 

Sunset walk at our special sunset spot.

 

Catch the sunrise.
 

Paint art work. **Here is a picture I created the other night. It didn't take very much time and it has inspired me to keep creating!

 

Go thrifting!

Join a reading program at the library. (Already done. Caden is rocking out his summer reading!)  

 

Get a massage. I'll take a hubby massage, too!  My hubby should really be a massage therapist, he worked out some major kinks in my back this week!!

 

Have a date night with each of my boys separately.

 

Have a date night with my hubby!

Visit a spray park.

 

 

Tell myself something great about me every day.  **Getting pretty good at this, and pursuing help when I need the extra affirmation.

 

Go to more farmer's markets and Friday night family nights.

 

Try new summer recipes with delicious summer produce.

 

Take more photographs.  ** I definitely have been snapping away, pretty much every day! Love it!

 

Ride my bike more!

 

 

 

Blog at least once per week. I really missed writing and it's therapeutic.  **Blogging is going well!

 

Have a camp out//movie night on the sectional.

 

Roast marshmallows on the fire pit.

 

BBQ ribs on the new grill.

 

Go on an adventure.

** We went to an underground cavern and mined for gems!

 

 Make up a board game.

 

Go to "dirt beach".

 

 Pick blueberries and make blueberry pie.

 

Write a story with Caden. (We are working on our story but here is a song we wrote together!)

 

 Baseball game! 

 

Those are just a few of my ideas. What's on your summer bucket list and what have you already accomplished?

  

Glass House

Depression. It has plagued me for as long as I can remember. I can't even think of myself as a child really happy all the time, it was tinged by sadness and confusion. I know that there were moments when I felt carefree but I also worried even as a four year old. I stayed up late at night, after everyone was asleep, worrying that a robber would break in, or that our house would catch on fire, or that my parents didn't really love me and would leave me. I remember hearing voices as a child calling my name. When this occurred again in adulthood after the birth of my second son, I was told that the inner voice, my inner dialog, was very high, that I was hypersensitive and hence suffered from post-partum depression which landed me in the mental hospital. I have struggled since my teenage years with hormone imbalance and PMDD. The thing is, I really want to be happy and most people would guess that I am. But depression can be silent and it's not always evident on the outside.

 

 

I told my husband that I feel like I live in a glass house. I feel like everyone can see in; see my flaws and how I struggle with yelling at my little kids because I become overwhelmed by their constant needs with little space for my own self care. I worry people would judge how I sometimes hide in my bed, in a ball of tears, willing the ramble of negative thoughts away. How I look outside at the sun shining and wonder what all my friends are doing to enjoy this day while I sit in my glass house alone. I go to bed some nights feeling guilty, like I'm a bad mom and a bad wife. I feel insecure and lost and desperately alone. I can't reach out. I can't call people and ask them to come over. I feel like they are looking in but don't know how to help me. I don't know how either.

 

 

I have spent years on medication, anti-everythings, to take this darkness away. It always seemed to help for awhile but didn't take it completely away. It is always comes back around, this sadness. I am trying to change the way I think. I try not to dwell on these terrible lies when they enter my head. I spend time praying, meditating, reading books on how to be happy or books about world travels. I do these things everyday. I pray and ask for wisdom on how to handle all of this, but the thorn is always there. I listen to my husband when he gives me advice, and tells me how silly it is that I feel like nobody cares about me. I go out into the world and take my kids fun places, I put my emotions aside most days to be the best mom I can be, but it never feels like enough. I am plagued by days of sadness and I can't really explain why I feel that way. But I do. It feels like a part of who I am, this feeling of misunderstanding and being misunderstood. I do realize this is no one's burden to carry but mine. I do realize that if I embraced the divine spirit of Love, I could transform this sadness into something that could help others break down their own glass houses. But I just can't seem to get to that point right now. So I settle in with this feeling for another day and say my prayers, and spill out my trust that in spite of this pain, I am loved even if I cannot always feel it.
 

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” -Longfellow

Wishes

♥ ♥  Sweet children, the ones who are here to love and be loved, I wish for you these things..

Dreams that carry you through your days and nights.

At least one friend to talk to when things feel weighty on your shoulders.

Roads that travel ever winding, full of promise and wisdom.

Waking up with your heart singing praises.

Music, the kind you get lost in, that fills you up inside.

Someone to tell you that you are beautiful and valuable each and every day, even if it is  you  who says it.

Hope. There is always more beauty and there is always more love. Go find it.

Passion.

Compassion.

Confidence in yourself, enough to walk with your head held high, because you never forget to remember how loved you are.

Acceptance of yourself as you are, your flaws, your passions and your uniqueness.

The ability to say "No, Thank You."

World adventures and traveling, even if it involves a library book and your imagination.

Hard hugs.

Beautiful sunny days and some gray rainy ones, too, so that you will really know how special the sunny ones are.

I wish for each of you a love that takes your breath away. Someone to hold you when you are at your worst and encourage you to be your best. And when you find that love, make sure to never let it go.

Patience and acceptance. You are a beautiful stone flowing through life's great river; have faith that you are exactly where you need to be.

Gratitude through the valleys  and  up on the mountaintops.

Each other, always.

Mostly I wish for you both to know how much I love you. I will always be your biggest fan, cheering from the sidelines at every Big Game. And someday when you look into your own child's eyes, you will really know just how lucky I feel to have you.  ♥ ♥

I Shall Find You

Dearest Tank,

I may have never known

The way you blinked your eyes

Or heard the sound of your pleading cries..

Never felt you tug my hair

Or call me “Aunt Ace”,

But I will know you

In the depths of a sacred place.

 

Human things could not contain your spirit,

But God's creation always will and

In the quiet of the morning

I shall find you still.

 

You are butterfly wings in the sky

The wind that rustles the leaves

Rain drops from the clouds

Caged birds finally set free.

 

Sun rising over the mountains

Sun setting over the hills

A child's laughter in a silent room

The moment that gives us chills.

 

The perfect blue of the ocean

Skipping stones into rivers deep

Footprints in the sand

The longing that makes us weep.

 

Stars shining bright upon us

Only seen on the darkest nights

The stretch of radiant blue skies

A backdrop for the eagle's flight.

 

You are the tiny bud that we wait upon

When spring replaces frigid snow

You are the colors of the rainbow

And every seed we sow.

 

You came to teach us many things

Of time will reveal

But today I know you're teaching me

To sit quietly and feel.

 

I'll know you in our children

And in my sister's eyes

I'll know you in the broken place

Where angels hear my cries.

 

You are in the music

And the soft whispers in our ears

You are the hope

That replaces all our fears.

 

I will know you and I will learn,

All that you came to teach

For an angel doesn't leave us,

He's always in our reach.

 

Someday I'll kiss your lips

And rejoice to see you real

With eyes that I can't possess now

But which heaven will reveal.

 

Still I know you are with us

Always in our hearts

And if we search for you

We shall never be apart.

 

In honor of my nephew, Tank Matthew Evans, May 10, 2013.

 

Food and the plague

Oh my gosh, y'all. You don't even know how sick we have been. Like I mean sick, sick. Sister says we caught the "bunga bunga". Viral Bronchitis, Costochondritis, Sinusitis, and other "itises". Lots of coughing fits, sticking our heads over bowls of steaming essential oil water, missed work, and lying around. Lots of lying around.

 

 

It's been all but miserable and a blessing at the same time. I had time to rest and time to reflect, time to read and grow spiritually. With suffering comes much opportunity for growth. I grew a lot.

Before the plague invaded our home (and, knock on wood, spared the two youngest members of the family) I spent several days making lists and doing research. More importantly I made lists involving food and did research on how to cook said food for the next several weeks. Then I cleaned out my fridge and pantry and took my typed and printed lists to Trader Joe's and went to work on Mission Pantry Restock. I spent a lot of money. I won't tell you how much, but it was a lot. I even gave myself a panic attack at check-out, but I was $2 under on the budget and we had been saving accordingly for this shopping trip. I brought home 17 full size paper bags of food and unloaded it, put it away and then stepped back and said wowza.

 

 

 

 

We were officially stocked and I was really excited about my healthy meal plan. But with a kitchen full of food, comes lots of time standing on your feet. I had a meal plan for lunches and dinners and I soon realized that a meal plan requires cooking. All the time. I kind of didn't think about how long it would take to slave away over some of these planned meals, even soups require chopping and layering flavors and baking bread and it takes awhile. But I did it, even when I could hardly stand because the cartilages around my lungs and ribs were screaming in pain. I made the meals and I felt proud of myself and happy that I was doing my family proud.

 

It's really important to me, maybe one of the most important things, to make sure that what we are putting in our bodies is healthy. I do a lot of research and I investigate the brands that I buy. Food is medicine, and we have to be careful, especially in our culture that values processed junk over healthy, unmodified food to make sure we are making wise choices. It is important for auto-immune disorders in our family and for food allergies and sensitivities. It is a blessing to spend my time preparing food that is well balanced and it's a blessing that I was able to fill up our kitchen with things that will feed our bodies and minds. I rested on gratitude each day of my sickness. Sometimes we are able to make choices that matter and that feels really good.

So without further ado, I bring you pictures of food. Uh, funny enough I was only inspired to snap pictures of food these last few weeks. See, I really do feel proud after preparing a meal, enough to warrant a photo.  Food > Pics of children = Apparently! Bon Appetit!

 

 

Chicken Noodle Soup with a dollop of sour cream

 

 

Grilled Chicken and Asparagus Pasta with lemon, butter and parm cheese

 

 



Potato Soup with Spinach and Turkey Bacon

 

 

Chicken and rice soup

 

Peeling potatoes but look I discovered a quick and easy disposal method for kitchen scraps. This summer we are going to start composting!

 

 

Ground turkey shepherd's pie. Yum!

 

Pork Sausage soup with red beans and kale.
 

 

Turkey bacon, fried egg, avocado and spinach sandwich on gluten free bun.

 

 

Hard boiling a dozen eggs for quick snacks and breakfasts.
 

 

 Gluten Free Blueberry power muffins with almond streusel.

 

 Okay I take that back. One pic of a kid.

 

Get in my belly!



And this last minute addition, a pic sent over to my phone from my husband who is at home with the kiddos while I work...

"KacyDillas" were a "Dinner Success"!!!!

There you have it friends. Have a fun-filled and food-filled week. xoxo