When the tide turns..

One thing I have learned in my 31 years of living is that when things feel crappy, similar to the feeling of being pulled under by the depths of the raging waters, the tide will turn; just hold on and tread, tread, tread. Just like the ocean, there may be calm waters at sunrise and at noon the tide is low, but by evening the waves may soar with a strong wind and swallow up the shells. Metaphorically, it is just like life in that unpredictable way.

I spent the last week in what I am convinced is probably one of my favorite places, the Outer Banks in North Carolina, particularly Corolla. This beach town has everything within a two mile radius, flanked by the glorious ocean with breathtaking sunrises and the inlet sound with it's lighthouse and beautiful water side park; picturesque, welcoming, filled with creation. There are wild horses hanging around and the beach becomes a road after dark. The houses are beautiful, the beach is wide and the town is clean. There is a small stretch of touristy half price stores with awesome OBX trinkets and pirate t-shirts, not to mention the raw bars with fresh seafood and the small BBQ joint tucked away. There is a perfect amount of tourist with a large dose of "you are home" mixed in. It is magic.

I felt the ocean pulling at my soul, calling me there all year, just beckoning to me to come. I am sure we all feel that "I need to get to the beach" feeling when the hum drum becomes too much to bear. Summer is ending, school started back up and we needed to get away badly.  I was not disappointed. After the first day there, kids up at 5:45 am, I realized that it would take some work; even vacation is not effortless. But if I was willing to put in the work, using my kid's 6 am wake up call to see the sunrise and the beauty of creation, getting good sleep, spending time in reflection and prayer, letting go of expectations, well then I would have a soul enriching experience and not just a vacation. With camera in hand, I made a promise that with it I would find what needed finding and store it away forever. I feel so close to Heaven when my toes are in the sand and my insignificant self stands at the shore of the magnificent ocean.

We have gone to the Outer Banks most years since my oldest was a baby. He took his first steps at the beach and learned to wave bye-bye to the ocean.

                       

                        

 

As my youngest sat in tears on the car ride out of Route 12 on Sunday, I felt that feeling well up in my heart at the same time and wanted to cry out, "I don't want to go home!" The warm sea breezes and the sun kissing tan noses, the feeling of relaxation taking over your body and the time away with family; it is just so hard to leave. But I know that returning home and getting back on schedule is what works best for us and I hope that I can carry that space with me: the peace and gratitude, the longing to find the daily grace and to see the bigger picture.

It has been four months, today, that we said hello and goodbye to my nephew Tank. I am certain that no matter how many vacations we go on, something will always feel out of balance because he is not physically with us to create new memories with his cousins. But I have a hard time expressing in words what we found of him in our trip south. He was everywhere with us, filling our hearts up with love and longing for the best of what life has to offer.

He is a bright light inviting us to find, within, the pleasures of our soul and stay focused on what really matters in this world; Love. Soon it will all be gone, memories buried in the sand, but not before we take time capturing them in every possible way, remembering the ones we love that have taken their turn at flying away from earth. Giving hugs to crying babes and forgiving our spouses and ourselves for the mistakes we make. Holding hands, chasing sunsets even when they are harder to find in the city. We may not have the beach every day, but the spirit of the beach, the place inside that no one can trample or steal, we have that. It takes extra time and work to cultivate our spirit when we are busy and distracted, but thankfully anyone who wants to find the hidden gems that life offers, can. It does not take a 700 mile trip, just a short quiet trip within.

 

 

 

Freedom is allowing our hearts to be filled up over and over no matter the circumstances. I plan to use that truth as my anchor and "thank you" as my prayer.

Resurfacing

Metaphors. I love them. This one sums up what I am feeling right now. It's like I recently went for a deep dive into the bottom of a murky lake and although not "bad" in reality because all things work out for greater good, it was hard to see down there. I was probably scared of the unknowns and knew it would take some work to get back up from the depths of that place. Also, if you were swimming  back up to shore in your own lake, running low on oxygen, you would stop at nothing to get back to the top, to resurface into the place where the sun shines and life keeps moving on. Stay stuck at the bottom of that lake and sooner or later the world goes on without you.

 

 

 

I feel free when I am behind my camera. All of a sudden things are brighter and you take a closer look as your brain captures the moment first in your mind and then *snap*, the moment is trapped in time. It's the way the lens transforms the rippling waves of a lake into the rippling waves of a still photo; or the way a child swings high into blue sky and then her hair is forever stopped just so with the wind twirling it. It's the way you see the details so clearly when you're focusing with the camera and how it slowly focuses the moment in real life into something magical. Something that is a gift already but now it has a treasure to show for it.

 

 

I go back over the photos and I look at them, I zoom in on my children's eyes or the way my youngest smiles with his lip curled under, and I laugh because somehow I miss that way too much in the speeding moments of the day.

 

 

 

I know this is my answer. Use whatever tools you need to find the beauty. And when the beauty is found then so is the grace.

Life is hard; it's so cliché but true. Yet life is full of so many exquisite moments; these amazing moments that are waiting to be captured. Sunsets and sunrises that happen every morning and every night. How often do we wake up early enough to witness such beauty? A free gift for the taking. Birds flying by, children skipping stones into shallow water, the way their faces look when you tell them a joke, how their hair, full of electricity, sticks up on all ends as they slide down the slide.  How many times have I watched my boys slide down slides in almost seven years? Too many to count. But how many times did I really see them?? How many times did I capture that moment in my mind? Not nearly enough.

 

It's very late and I can hear the train's whistle, just down the street, alerting the sleeping town of its transient presence. I find comfort in this sound, it's been a constant companion to me in each home I have ever lived in. But this train sounds different tonight. It's passing by to remind me to stay awake. Life is like that train; just passing by. There are plenty of whistles to alert us that it's here right now, steadily moving forward on the track, but just how often do we stop to listen?

And another metaphor. Sweet dreams.

 

 

Bucket List

I am trying something new today and I am looking forward to seeing how this helps my emotional state. Since I have been feeling so down lately, letting my emotions get the best of me, and because I refuse to sit around wallowing in self pity, I have decided that starting today and every day for the rest of the summer, I am determined to check one thing off of our summer bucket list and document along side my gratitude journal which I have neglected for too long. I hope this will help bring me back to the clarity I seem to have lost about my purpose, not only as a mother but as a human being.

 

Feeling alone, sad and down right moody is not a fun place to be in during the summer. There are only so many days of sunshine and warm weather, and I have an imagination full of ideas that have been floating restlessly around in my head, weighed down by a body that just couldn't get motivated to get out and make the fun happen. Fun is something you create; it's an attitude aimed at success and not at failure. I know inside I have the ability to find joy in whatever situation I am in, regardless of circumstances. I am strong and capable and have succeeded many times in overcoming this uphill battle. I am tired of believing that I cannot do it again. So I will succeed, I just need to admit that I need help in doing it. The important lesson I am learning in all of this is  that I need to be willing to accept the help in whatever form it comes to me and not have expectations on what it should look like. Friendship, opportunity and happiness come in so many different disguises. If I can open my heart wider than I normally do, then I will be pulled out of my glass house and into the village of houses filled with love. I can't wait to discover these love houses. :)

 

So without further ado, our summer bucket list:

 

Make fried chicken and lemonade and pack it up for a picnic.  

 

 Take the boys to a movie and let them have popcorn AND candy. 

 

Spend an evening watching planes take off at the airport.

 

Treasure hunt hike at a local metro park.  

 

 Meet daddy for lunch and eat at a local food truck.

A visit to the state fair! 

 

Make at least one new friend. Schedule a play date.

 

Spend time with old friends that I haven't seen in awhile. **Today I was able to have a lunch date with one of my best friends from college. She and her beautiful daughter came over and the boys loved spending time with such a sweet little 6-month old!



 

Catch fireflies with the boys.

 

More bowling.

 

Take the boys to play mini golf and to the batting cages.

 

Sunset walk at our special sunset spot.

 

Catch the sunrise.
 

Paint art work. **Here is a picture I created the other night. It didn't take very much time and it has inspired me to keep creating!

 

Go thrifting!

Join a reading program at the library. (Already done. Caden is rocking out his summer reading!)  

 

Get a massage. I'll take a hubby massage, too!  My hubby should really be a massage therapist, he worked out some major kinks in my back this week!!

 

Have a date night with each of my boys separately.

 

Have a date night with my hubby!

Visit a spray park.

 

 

Tell myself something great about me every day.  **Getting pretty good at this, and pursuing help when I need the extra affirmation.

 

Go to more farmer's markets and Friday night family nights.

 

Try new summer recipes with delicious summer produce.

 

Take more photographs.  ** I definitely have been snapping away, pretty much every day! Love it!

 

Ride my bike more!

 

 

 

Blog at least once per week. I really missed writing and it's therapeutic.  **Blogging is going well!

 

Have a camp out//movie night on the sectional.

 

Roast marshmallows on the fire pit.

 

BBQ ribs on the new grill.

 

Go on an adventure.

** We went to an underground cavern and mined for gems!

 

 Make up a board game.

 

Go to "dirt beach".

 

 Pick blueberries and make blueberry pie.

 

Write a story with Caden. (We are working on our story but here is a song we wrote together!)

 

 Baseball game! 

 

Those are just a few of my ideas. What's on your summer bucket list and what have you already accomplished?

  

Glass House

Depression. It has plagued me for as long as I can remember. I can't even think of myself as a child really happy all the time, it was tinged by sadness and confusion. I know that there were moments when I felt carefree but I also worried even as a four year old. I stayed up late at night, after everyone was asleep, worrying that a robber would break in, or that our house would catch on fire, or that my parents didn't really love me and would leave me. I remember hearing voices as a child calling my name. When this occurred again in adulthood after the birth of my second son, I was told that the inner voice, my inner dialog, was very high, that I was hypersensitive and hence suffered from post-partum depression which landed me in the mental hospital. I have struggled since my teenage years with hormone imbalance and PMDD. The thing is, I really want to be happy and most people would guess that I am. But depression can be silent and it's not always evident on the outside.

 

 

I told my husband that I feel like I live in a glass house. I feel like everyone can see in; see my flaws and how I struggle with yelling at my little kids because I become overwhelmed by their constant needs with little space for my own self care. I worry people would judge how I sometimes hide in my bed, in a ball of tears, willing the ramble of negative thoughts away. How I look outside at the sun shining and wonder what all my friends are doing to enjoy this day while I sit in my glass house alone. I go to bed some nights feeling guilty, like I'm a bad mom and a bad wife. I feel insecure and lost and desperately alone. I can't reach out. I can't call people and ask them to come over. I feel like they are looking in but don't know how to help me. I don't know how either.

 

 

I have spent years on medication, anti-everythings, to take this darkness away. It always seemed to help for awhile but didn't take it completely away. It is always comes back around, this sadness. I am trying to change the way I think. I try not to dwell on these terrible lies when they enter my head. I spend time praying, meditating, reading books on how to be happy or books about world travels. I do these things everyday. I pray and ask for wisdom on how to handle all of this, but the thorn is always there. I listen to my husband when he gives me advice, and tells me how silly it is that I feel like nobody cares about me. I go out into the world and take my kids fun places, I put my emotions aside most days to be the best mom I can be, but it never feels like enough. I am plagued by days of sadness and I can't really explain why I feel that way. But I do. It feels like a part of who I am, this feeling of misunderstanding and being misunderstood. I do realize this is no one's burden to carry but mine. I do realize that if I embraced the divine spirit of Love, I could transform this sadness into something that could help others break down their own glass houses. But I just can't seem to get to that point right now. So I settle in with this feeling for another day and say my prayers, and spill out my trust that in spite of this pain, I am loved even if I cannot always feel it.
 

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” -Longfellow

Wishes

♥ ♥  Sweet children, the ones who are here to love and be loved, I wish for you these things..

Dreams that carry you through your days and nights.

At least one friend to talk to when things feel weighty on your shoulders.

Roads that travel ever winding, full of promise and wisdom.

Waking up with your heart singing praises.

Music, the kind you get lost in, that fills you up inside.

Someone to tell you that you are beautiful and valuable each and every day, even if it is  you  who says it.

Hope. There is always more beauty and there is always more love. Go find it.

Passion.

Compassion.

Confidence in yourself, enough to walk with your head held high, because you never forget to remember how loved you are.

Acceptance of yourself as you are, your flaws, your passions and your uniqueness.

The ability to say "No, Thank You."

World adventures and traveling, even if it involves a library book and your imagination.

Hard hugs.

Beautiful sunny days and some gray rainy ones, too, so that you will really know how special the sunny ones are.

I wish for each of you a love that takes your breath away. Someone to hold you when you are at your worst and encourage you to be your best. And when you find that love, make sure to never let it go.

Patience and acceptance. You are a beautiful stone flowing through life's great river; have faith that you are exactly where you need to be.

Gratitude through the valleys  and  up on the mountaintops.

Each other, always.

Mostly I wish for you both to know how much I love you. I will always be your biggest fan, cheering from the sidelines at every Big Game. And someday when you look into your own child's eyes, you will really know just how lucky I feel to have you.  ♥ ♥

I Shall Find You

Dearest Tank,

I may have never known

The way you blinked your eyes

Or heard the sound of your pleading cries..

Never felt you tug my hair

Or call me “Aunt Ace”,

But I will know you

In the depths of a sacred place.

 

Human things could not contain your spirit,

But God's creation always will and

In the quiet of the morning

I shall find you still.

 

You are butterfly wings in the sky

The wind that rustles the leaves

Rain drops from the clouds

Caged birds finally set free.

 

Sun rising over the mountains

Sun setting over the hills

A child's laughter in a silent room

The moment that gives us chills.

 

The perfect blue of the ocean

Skipping stones into rivers deep

Footprints in the sand

The longing that makes us weep.

 

Stars shining bright upon us

Only seen on the darkest nights

The stretch of radiant blue skies

A backdrop for the eagle's flight.

 

You are the tiny bud that we wait upon

When spring replaces frigid snow

You are the colors of the rainbow

And every seed we sow.

 

You came to teach us many things

Of time will reveal

But today I know you're teaching me

To sit quietly and feel.

 

I'll know you in our children

And in my sister's eyes

I'll know you in the broken place

Where angels hear my cries.

 

You are in the music

And the soft whispers in our ears

You are the hope

That replaces all our fears.

 

I will know you and I will learn,

All that you came to teach

For an angel doesn't leave us,

He's always in our reach.

 

Someday I'll kiss your lips

And rejoice to see you real

With eyes that I can't possess now

But which heaven will reveal.

 

Still I know you are with us

Always in our hearts

And if we search for you

We shall never be apart.

 

In honor of my nephew, Tank Matthew Evans, May 10, 2013.