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January 25, 2013

When the rain (eh hem snow) comes...

I went back and forth about whether I should write about how I am feeling today because when I feel this way (which sadly is at least monthly and more often lately because I get a mad case of seasonal depression and have for as long as I can remember), I often think of this Avett Brothers lyric that says "I would voice my pain, but the change wouldn't last."  Will it really make a difference if I put a voice to my pain right now while I am suffering with it, knowing that it will find it's way out of me soon if I shall let it pass? On one hand I know that this feeling of affliction, being overwhelmed, a constant nagging and worrying that something is just not right even though you can't figure out why, coupled with a crack in my emotional state, is caused by a few different things. On the other hand, even knowing doesn't always bring me comfort when I am feeling this way. Nonetheless, I have been around long enough to recognize just what it is that brings me back to this place time and again in my life.

Here is the list: 1. Hormone fluctuations. Being a woman has never been an easy task for me, and I envy my husband's manhood sometimes. He's just so much more emotionally stable than me and it's not fair. He never calls me up crying in the middle of the day saying he can't stand his coworkers or his job is overwhelming him. He doesn't text me that when he gets home from work he's going to hide under the covers and let me handle dinner. Nope..never.

2. Lack of sleep- (hmm..ran out of coffee today, too.)

3. The heaviness of winter that blankets me and overwhelms me. Although very beautiful, it makes me feel stuck sometimes.

 4. Sickness- Honestly it scares me as a mama when my kids get sick. I feel vulnerable and don't know how to fix them especially when they run really high fevers for days. I think this entire episode has spun off of that feeling. They won't take their medicine or eat or drink or do any of the things that will make them better. It is maddening! And I keep playing nurse, washing my hands, knowing that I am a ticking time bomb for this same plague and it will likely knock me out way harder than it knocks them out AND I will still be on call.


5. The energy depletion that comes from just being a mama and giving and giving until you have nothing left to give, at all hours of the day and night, plus the mental worry and guilt that makes me feel like I am just never doing quite enough. This, without a doubt, can also be maddening to a woman if she lets it! I have to tell myself that I AM doing enough, I am doing damn well enough and if I could do any better than I am, then I of all people would be doing it! All of us would. We can only do the very best that we can with what we are given. Sometimes telling myself these things knocks those thoughts right out of my brain, sometimes not. The most important thing to remember while I am feeling low is that my children are a gift and not a burden, even when they are demanding so much of me.


 6. Lack of being kind to myself this week- I need to make sure I eat as healthy as I can, take my vitamins and get some exercise. I just feel exhausted and try as I might to find the grace in today because I swear to you I'm searching for it, I just really don't see it- yet. It's 3:51 pm and it's Friday so we've still got time. Bring it to me, cause I can't go searchin' for it. I often think of the saying (and in my best southern accent), "Lord, don't teach me nothin' new today!" The only new thing I wish to learn today is that I am strong enough to get through it. I need rest for my weary soul...

and sunshine....

the beach would be nice....

or really, I'd just take a nap.....


I am wishing you all a very happy weekend..I'll be ok, promise, and likely will come back tomorrow giving it my best go at being optimistic once more.


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